Halloween #4

it happened
halloween night
four years ago
sometimes it feels like yesterday
other days it feels like a life time

the past is funny like that
distant
disconnected
yet, so present
so intertwined in who we are
where we are

but we aren't supposed to keep looking back
for it is when we have our heads turned
looking over our shoulder
at things we can no longer get back
that we miss the new stuff
the good stuff

the roses blooming
and sun shining along our path
are hard to see
when we are busy staring into
the coldest
darkest
times

i've looked over that shoulder
several times just tonight
but the night's almost over
and tomorrow will be a new day
and a good one at that

all i have to do
is remember to bring my eyes
back to the road
before the shoulder gets the best of me

a little handwritten reminder from my mama

Sometimes. . . . .

. . . . .we confuse inner peace with temporary contentment and are let down later when the happiness fades away

. . . . .we get lost trying to tell others how to find themselves

. . . . .we think we know all the answers, so we stop asking important questions

. . . . .we try to fix others, when we are the broken ones

. . . . .we find solutions for ourselves and start imposing them on people they won't work for

. . . . .we try to be so aware that we miss the big picture

sometimes

Cardiologists and such. . . .

a room full of people waiting to have a doctor listen to their hearts
but from here
i can hear them fine
they scream of worry for their health
or the well being of a loved one
impatience is the rhythm of their silent beats

restless and uneasy waiting

we joke and laugh in this room
and we're looked at with jerky head movements
and glaring eyes
are we not supposed to be joyous?
even in these trying moments?
especially in these trying moments?

we laugh like tony has 60 more years to live
we talk about being honest with our doctors
about our past recreational drug use
we laugh at their shock with our honesty

and the room remains cold and still
with the exception of our four square feet of space
can't we shine for others?

we wait to see the doctor
alone in a smaller room
we are quieter
he reads a fantasy novel
a thick one that he'll finish quickly
with more waiting to be read at home

books to take him out of the here and now
and bring his imagination to vivid fruition

the doctor comes in and breaks our comfortable silence
questions begin and a clean bill of health seems to show its head
but its as clean as it can be in his condition
copd
stage 4 emphysema
we don't really talk about how much longer he may have

the doctor takes another listen
with a bigger degree than the nurse
he listens as tony sucks air in through his nose
and wheezes out powerfully through his mouth

124/80
he says it's good
there's no concern
who pays for someone in a white coat to say,
"you're in good shape"
"you're holding your own"
"we'll see you once a year"

what works?
will anything work?
are we just making him comfortable?
how comfortable is he?

lastly
blood work
needle pricks
to make sure he isn't living on a diet of liver and onions
fish and chips

life is a fragile thing
for my first generation hippie

Oh Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

 

-poem by Walt Whitman

 

 

my best and worst self

Selfies are all the rage. Everyone's doing it, maybe for different reasons. I'm guilty of it. For me a lot of time it's about documenting a moment. I take mine in good and bad times. These quick snap shots remind me later of good times had or things I would like to avoid doing or feeling again.

Here are some of my favorite good day selfies.

Life is a roller coaster. They can't all be great days. Cherish them all the same.

as i age

as i age
let me not be like tea
brewed too long
a soggy tea bag
left in cold water
too acrid to enjoy

let me not be
the source of faces cringing
and puckering
too sour for their liking

let me not be
the source of negativity
i've tried my whole life
not to be

let me not be
bitter with regrets
of things that could have been
or could have been better

let me not
hold grudges
against those who have wronged me
and let me always
seek forgiveness
from those i have wronged

let me not be
hateful
let me not be
angry
let me not be
spiteful

but until the end
let me just be
a joyful me

late night self

late nights bring surprises
and find me in my prime

pointing into night skies
admiring planets and stars
and big ol' jet airliners

tapping into the collective conscience
using the ideas and casting them back out
for other late night minds

late nights bring quiet moments
peace filled time to dance around the house
to no music
with no shoes
and barely any clothes



breathing up the thickness
of hot spring evenings
slowly evolving into summer nights

at night
i am
who i was made to be
and with a sly smile
i think of what the sleepers are missing

plenty of time to sleep
when the ideas run out
and the mind slows down
and the heart has had its fill

bustin' out

when we let the expectations of the world
pile up around us
our thick shells have to keep it all at bay

a hard firewall
keeping out reality
so we don't have to deal
or cope
or try

but, baby!
we were made to try
we can toughen our skin
without thickening our shells

baby, we were made
to fall
to fail
but most importantly
to get up
to try again

break out of that shell, softy!
bust free
from the chains of insecurity
break loose
from the bondage of fear

let the caged bird out
to finally fly

you sang with me. . . .

thanks for checking in on me
after such a long day
when it seemed the world was cold
and no one in it cared

thanks for asking how i was
after such a trying week
when it seemed like everything that could
would

thanks for making eye contact
and saying nothing at all
knowing i needed
the peace and quiet
of that moment

thanks for singing along
when the tunes were loud and happy
when the songs were sad and low
thanks for the harmonies
and melodies of love

you don't think

you think i'm frail
because you saw
my weakness once
when i was a child

you think i can't
hold my own
because you so easily
took advantage
of my innocence

you had your chance
and thought it
made you a man
but with my wide eyes
in the midst of this demise
i saw your weaknesses too
and
you're
no
man.

time to shine

this will be my year
i will be savy
i will come out ahead

don't second guess

doubt will kill this momentum
i can keep up
life will not pass me by

everyday
at the end of the day
i will ask,
"did i do everything i could have done today?"

humble yet confident
that's the line to balance
i can do it

i will play hard
and love harder

pray

 

step one

i've been stuck inside my head for quite awhile
today i broke free
God showed up and bent bars
and allowed me to walk out
a little more aware
and unharmed

so many questions were put into words
even though no answers are formed
talks and negotiations have begun
opinions, lessons, and plans are being made
i've been open
and i invited God in
invited in the ones He put in my life to love
invited in the ones He put in my life to love me

i feel fresh
i feel empowered

let go
accept
step one complete

Drawing Lines

caregiver - a person who cares for someone who is sick or in need of compassion

lover - a person who loves, especially a person who has or shows a warm and affectionate regard for others 

stumbling block - obstacle or hindrance to progress, belief, or understanding

Three words defined. On paper their differences appear obvious, yet in practice they are not. We want to be lovers and caregivers to those around us, but where do we draw the line? When do we become merely stumbling blocks? When do we step away from love and care to realize it is only enabling someone to destroy themselves and us?

Even though I decided long ago to not bear children, I am a mother of sorts. I am a lover and caregiver to those around me even if they seem undeserving. I clean up other's messes and make pancakes for the hungry. Like most mothers, I often let myself go in order to be available to the "kids". I was like this in high school. So was my best friend, Amanda. We were the mother hens. The ones who could say no. The ones who stayed sober long enough to make sure everyone got home safely. We had a group of friends we called "our boys". We loved them and helped keep 'em out of any major trouble. I got this from my own mother. My mother loved everyone. That isn't an exaggeration.  Whether they loved her or not, she loved and wanted the best for them. The hardest thing for her was when she had to acknowledge that, in her relationship with her stepson, she needed to be a parent first and a friend later. Unfortunately, it is easy for parents to want to baby their adult children. Now out on his own, by brother struggles and lives with a sense of entitlement that so many teenagers and young adults have due to parents and a society that bends to their every whim. 

I have been letting people walk all over me. I know they need me and I willing bow down to their every demand. Leaving late night campfires with family or evening dinner with friends to go be a rescue squad. Not just for them, but for me. I felt like I was doing the right thing, making myself available for someone in need. The lines became blurred. So what to do?

Step one was opening up to my husband about time management. I knew I was probably ignoring his needs as much as mine in order to be there for others. He was kind, helpful, and full of grace. He started helping me to set limits. Step two was to reach out to a great friend of mine. Someone who I recognize as a strong leader, someone who speaks with authority. Opening up to him let me know that someone had my back, while i was bent over for others. He will now hold me accountable on both ends, making sure I do the right thing for my friends but also for myself. So this is the process I am now in the middle of. 

My next steps will be hard. Letting these friends know they need to seek outside help, something more than just me. Convincing someone that they have a problem isn't always easy, convincing them to do something about it is even harder. Someone who doesn't want help, whether they know they need it or not, will not get help. 

Relationships are supposed to be two things: comforting and conflicting. Where does one stop and the other begin? How can I be both at the same time? I really am tired of sitting back and watching people get consumed by their on self pity and the consequences of choices they have made. 

I am not a counselor, nor do I claim to be. What I am is a friend, a lover, a caregiver hoping for a more obviously drawn line. 

cold messages

they appeared as letters
on a cold backlit screen
all lower case
minimum punctuation

cold letters
that make the heart wonder
what did i do?
cold letters
that make the mind long
for more information

short hand
an abbreviated society
so much lost
for an unabridged soul

no body language
no winks
no sweat
no tears
just letters
letters forming emotionless words

missed sarcasm
and hurt feelings

could you
please
just come find me

comfortable love

When you're raised by a close knit family, when you a live a lifestyle that most would call "hippie" there's something that happens. The bedroom becomes a living room and the bed becomes the couch. I have always loved closeness. There have been times in my life when "dog piles" of my best friends were the only way to stay warm for the winter. When Aj and I first met, we shared a 480 square feet cabin with about seven other people. Not much room for spreading out, we all slept in one room. You get used to having the ones you love within arms reach. I'm sure we worked with people who couldn't imagine that no funny business was going on up there.

When I lived at home, my parents had something that they called "the white trash pallet". It was a double sized mattress that they would drag into the living room and lay in front of the fire place. My mom and dad often slept there, but in the morning it became the place we all piled up to enjoy the fire and watch a little tv. I should tell you we lived in a 4 bedroom house and yes everyone had their own bed and yes we had central heat and air, but this was just something we did. We enjoyed each others company and didn't always want doors between us.

I knew I had found the right man to marry when I first took Aj to my parent's house. In the living room, other than the pallet, there is a long "L" shaped couch. My mom and dad fell asleep on one end and Aj and I on the other. What a wonderful thing to wake up to, three of the most important people in my life all dreaming at the same time. When mom passed away, for about two weeks we hardly left that living room, all piled up together on that couch or the mattress, as if we just couldn't get close enough.

Now with all the work that has been going on at my house, I can't be upset that it isn't finished yet. It has brought back some of that closeness that I was missing. However, I am finding out that there are some people who just aren't comfortable hanging out on your bed. This is the first time that I've had people like that in my life.

Our society has done something terrible to our hearts and heads. Humanity has become so driven on sexuality and indecency that we can't imagine closeness like this. There are even Christians who can be made totally uncomfortable by something as innocent as a hug. Try it. We can't fathom non-sexual interpersonal relationships. Fathers can't kiss, hold or love on their baby girls for fear it will be misconstrued. Friends can't hug, hold hands or love on each other for fear it will be taken out of context. When did me placing a caring warm hand on someone's back to show them that they aren't alone become something to be whispered about by onlookers? Friendships like this are supposed to inspire beauty and love in a way that directs our minds, hearts and souls attention to spiritual things. We've let our minds become corrupted by crude jesting.

The Greek had four words for love: eros, agape, philia and storge. Only one of these words had to do with sexual desire or physical attraction. Agape is unconditional love, love like Christ has for us. Philia is brotherly love or affectionate love for friends. Storge refers to the love between parents, offspring, family. So why do our brains always think on vulgar eros?

Well, I am taking back platonic love. I will not avoid telling me friends I love them, because I do. I celebrate them. I want them to be happy and healthy. I want them to know what love is. I want to love like Christ loves. Gracious love. Not side-arm hugs and "you are in my thoughts" type sentiments, but bear hugs and holding hands in times of weakness. I want to pile up with like-minded thinkers and share ideas. I want to hang out on the pallet and enjoy fellowship. I want the couch to not have a limited number of seats.

So come over. Let's sit on the bed and talk. Let's sit on the bed and watch movies and eat popcorn. Our bedroom has become our living room. It is a place of comfort. It is a place of relaxation. Come be a hippie!

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Church as a Marriage

 
AJ and I have been married for almost five years. It is a beautiful thing. However, like any relationship, there can be tense moments. Living with someone means sharing in their accomplishments as well as their let downs. We are total opposites, but saw that as a positive. So we do not always see eye to eye, but that's ok, agreeing on everything wasn't part of our wedding vows. A quote I saw recently really hit the nail on the head, "There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other." We brought fresh perspectives. He loved me and my talkative, quirky personality. I loved him and his deep thinking, analytical mind. That being said, no matter how awesome or terrible things ever get, we work together. Everyday we continue to learn and grow together. 

Now let me bring this around to church. We have been attending The Grove Church since 2008. This is my first time being a part of a church family. It really is important to be connected and I'm glad this is where I fit in. Church is a relationship, just like my marriage. Some days are perfect. I feel total happiness and amazing love. Some days are hard mornings to do after a rough week at work. Like a marriage, I can't show up every Sunday expecting to be served. Regardless of were I am, I have to show up ready and willing to serve. Just like my relationship with Aj, I have to be open to sharing my heart and willing to allow others to share theirs. Sometimes I will have to compromise. I have to be fully there for the bad days as well as the good ones. We, as a congregation, have to struggle and mourn together just as we celebrate and love together in order to learn and grow together as a community in Christ.

So here is a building that on Sunday morning has about 150 people in attendance. Chances are there are going to be at least a couple who will think I am strange. Chances are someone I've had a falling out with will show up. Chances are some of us won't always see eye to eye. Chances are I may not agree with everything said or thought by every person. So what now? Do I wonder if I'm in the right place? Do I start looking for another church? This happens so often. Someone comes to church. They feel comfortable in their seat there. Sunday mornings are happy for them. Then the newness starts to wear off. The smile gets harder to fake, so they leave. Once I told AJ, "what am I going to do? Leave you and go find another man to argue with?" That is the reality of it. We can't run off at the first sign of discord. We may find the newness again, but it will wear off again.. . . .and again. . . .and again. This keep us from ever actually getting plugged in anywhere. This keeps us from growing. This keeps us from finding the joy that God has for us. To live in God's joy doesn't mean we are going to be happy go lucky everyday. Living in God's joy means that we will approach life and its many relationships with a different attitude. We can use our differences as a chance to learn. We can use our discomfort as a chance to grow. When all you know how to do is run away, you are not only cheating yourself, but the entire church out of a chance to work on becoming the disciples that God wants us to be.

"..count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."   James 1:2-4

as i walked

today as i walked through a dark tunnel
i realized
that i want to sing
loudly
even when only God is listening
even if other's may think i am strange

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
that i want to scream
into the sky
for reasons
for no reasons

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
i want to make the hand sign
for i love you
and show it to the stars
to those who have gone before us
to God

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
i want the neighbors to wonder
what the hell is going on
i want to bring attention
to bright mismatched colors
i want to bring sounds
to ears that have never heard
i want to bring visions
to minds that thought
they had grown too old to dream

today as i walked through a dark tunnel
i realized
that i had lost myself
the person God made me to be
the bringer of smiles
the summoner of laughs
the wonder and confusion of zambie

today as i walked through a dark tunnel
i realized
that i want to think idealistic thoughts
in a world that will call me
a day dreamer
or uneducated

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
that i want to scream "fuck the government"
and shun money hungry tax collectors
yet love
like only Christ can love

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
that i live in a world
that believes that these things
can't happen all at once

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
that i live in times
that say these ideas
can't coexist

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i realized
that i am proof
that they can
that they do

today as i walked though a dark tunnel
i saw
the light
that shines
ever so brightly
at the end

how many

how many times
have my thoughts been dictated
and my creativity suppressed
so that i don't
do the same to others

how many times
have i bit my tongue
so that yours may flow
freely and open

how many times
have i held my opinion
inside a filling heart
so you won't disagree

how many times
have i agreed
just to keep the peace

how many songs
will i lose
to another heart's rhythm
to another ear's pleasures

how many visions
will be lost
to another man's
favorite color scheme

how many

many
many

we are doing something right

we are doing something right

in a new way

reaching fresh ears

and cold hearts

and closed minds

people who are reaching

for the same goals as us 

are looking for a way to say

we're on the wrong path

maybe they don't share our goals after all

 we are doing something right

in colorful clothes

that make people glare

we are doing something right

 making people tap their feet

and bob their heads

and sometimes we are doing it so right

that their hands come out of their pockets

and sometimes we are doing it so right 

that their hands reach up and in and out

we are doing something right

i know because the opposition is strong

Another Late Night

and bonds are being made
while the moon hangs high
the truth is inevitable
when you're too tired to explain
or offer up excuses
the more time we spend
getting to know each other
the better we'll be
at finishing each others sentences
the music will flow
when the hearts run free
free from hiding
free from toning it down

A Poem

look behind you
i'm wasting away in thoughts again
look behind you
so close yet so far away
turn around now
i'm here if you need me
but you never need me
you start to reach out
i can see the door opening
then the screen door slams
and i never knew you came and went
this can't be
more broken promises
late nights and shattered dreams
where were you going
when you left the house this time
what are you up to
you've crossed the tracks
and so many lines
white lines become blurred
when you're going so fast
the frames of life
can't catch you
in stillness
when there is none