Trying to Deal

Even though Mama died in November it wasn't until recently that the "mourning process" started getting me somewhere. Screaming has helped, crying has helped, but talking has really helped. I have talked to a lot of different people. Sometimes I get onto the subject of my thoughts and feelings only to find out that I am opening up to a close-minded person. This is hard. Mainly because I don't understand this kind of personality and know that they will never understand mine. Although I have learned things from struggling through this type of conversation, mostly lessons like: how not to be, what not to say and who not to talk about real issues with.  Sometimes I am talking just to talk out feelings that I can't yet comprehend. Often while telling people about Mama's suicide I realize that I am being very casual and open about a taboo subject. Probably one of the last real taboos of our time. Sometimes it makes the listener uncomfortable, other times I make a new connection with a fellow survivor of tragedy. The funny thing is, we are all survivors of tragedy in some way or another. Yet because we can't be honest with ourselves about the lives we have led or are currently leading, we get stuck in lies and fear. Or maybe we go through our whole lives perfectly content with acting like nothing happened. We live careful and timid lives. How boring. I'll take my life shaken, not carefully stirred so to not disturb the good stuff on the bottom. By good stuff I mean real, true emotion. Real feelings. Real thoughts. Truth. Life. THESE are a few of my favorite things.

Talking to my family, those who are suffering the same loss as me, has been a challenge. I love them all, and have learned so much about each one of them by watching and listening to their encounters of the same story. We have all lost an amazing person. Hurt and sadness make us say things we will later regret. Inconvenient truths will make us stand up for the bad guys and lie to those around us who are looking for answers. Addictions and mental instability will be blamed.  No one grows. No one benefits. Families are supposed to grow together. Tragedy should bring us closer. It has not. Truths continue to be denied. People continue to hide. Anger starts to show its ugly  face. I want to stop telling Dad things because of how mad he gets. Trust me, old man, I'm just as upset as you are, but I know hatred will get me nowhere. Everyday stupid things are being said to me, both about mama and the situation, by people who were close to mama and don't want what "she did" to mess up what they "have going". I have been forgiving, but will not be tolerant of ignorance, hatred and lies.
Families are made of people we can lean on, people who support us at our best and worst, people who help us when we fall, people who will tell our best stories when we are gone. Families are not people who keep a tally, people who do favors for you to get you to do for them, people who love you on their terms. Sometimes families are not determined by blood line at all.

My sis and me. Mama raised up right.

One of the people I first began talking to was John Quinnett. A great friend and poet, John had a lot to offer. He was a social worker for years and knew a lot about alcoholism, memory repression and the like. He seemed to know a lot about suicide as well, so I wasn't too surprised to learn that his brother, Paul, is a clinical psychologist and the director of the QPR Institute, an educational organization dedicated to preventing suicide. Search Google for Dr Paul Quinnett to read more about Paul and his work. Here is a recommended video interview with Paul:  Paul Quinnett Innovations in Suicide Prevention



I have read and recommend the book Sanity & Grace. Judy Collins has done extensive research on the subject of suicide, and the books she suggests for survivors are wide-ranging. The singer advises suicide survivors to join groups of others like themselves. "I started going to a survivors' group and heard other stories, and I told them my story," she remembers. "I learned from that tool. Suicide is the result of a disease and should be treated as such."
This book can be purchased locally from City Lights Bookstore .