Halloween #4

it happened
halloween night
four years ago
sometimes it feels like yesterday
other days it feels like a life time

the past is funny like that
distant
disconnected
yet, so present
so intertwined in who we are
where we are

but we aren't supposed to keep looking back
for it is when we have our heads turned
looking over our shoulder
at things we can no longer get back
that we miss the new stuff
the good stuff

the roses blooming
and sun shining along our path
are hard to see
when we are busy staring into
the coldest
darkest
times

i've looked over that shoulder
several times just tonight
but the night's almost over
and tomorrow will be a new day
and a good one at that

all i have to do
is remember to bring my eyes
back to the road
before the shoulder gets the best of me

a little handwritten reminder from my mama

Sometimes. . . . .

. . . . .we confuse inner peace with temporary contentment and are let down later when the happiness fades away

. . . . .we get lost trying to tell others how to find themselves

. . . . .we think we know all the answers, so we stop asking important questions

. . . . .we try to fix others, when we are the broken ones

. . . . .we find solutions for ourselves and start imposing them on people they won't work for

. . . . .we try to be so aware that we miss the big picture

sometimes

Cardiologists and such. . . .

a room full of people waiting to have a doctor listen to their hearts
but from here
i can hear them fine
they scream of worry for their health
or the well being of a loved one
impatience is the rhythm of their silent beats

restless and uneasy waiting

we joke and laugh in this room
and we're looked at with jerky head movements
and glaring eyes
are we not supposed to be joyous?
even in these trying moments?
especially in these trying moments?

we laugh like tony has 60 more years to live
we talk about being honest with our doctors
about our past recreational drug use
we laugh at their shock with our honesty

and the room remains cold and still
with the exception of our four square feet of space
can't we shine for others?

we wait to see the doctor
alone in a smaller room
we are quieter
he reads a fantasy novel
a thick one that he'll finish quickly
with more waiting to be read at home

books to take him out of the here and now
and bring his imagination to vivid fruition

the doctor comes in and breaks our comfortable silence
questions begin and a clean bill of health seems to show its head
but its as clean as it can be in his condition
copd
stage 4 emphysema
we don't really talk about how much longer he may have

the doctor takes another listen
with a bigger degree than the nurse
he listens as tony sucks air in through his nose
and wheezes out powerfully through his mouth

124/80
he says it's good
there's no concern
who pays for someone in a white coat to say,
"you're in good shape"
"you're holding your own"
"we'll see you once a year"

what works?
will anything work?
are we just making him comfortable?
how comfortable is he?

lastly
blood work
needle pricks
to make sure he isn't living on a diet of liver and onions
fish and chips

life is a fragile thing
for my first generation hippie