Moments Observed

he left a cigarette burning away
in a handmade clay ashtray
the sun shone brightly
almost whiting out the pages
of the day's journal entry
sun warms
breeze cools
socks and sandals
long sleeves
and holes in the knees of my jeans
the crotch patched up
by little Juanita
it's always the first spot to go
busting at the seams
of my jeans
of my life
the cigarette burns on
its owner inside
has forgotten about it
and I'm left to endure
its harmful fumes
time to move

We Are Starlight

In December
when times are cold and we feel so far from the middle of the winter
it's hard  to stop and think ahead to the March and April rains
Rains that warm and wash away the leftovers of the season
But in the stillness of that time
I can't help but look up into night skies
Bundled up and neck craned - viewing clear skies
The starlight seems to wink, as if to say, "I know, Kid."
Wink.
The closing of one  eye to say "I gotcha " or "I gotcha" or "I'm with you."
and sometimes "its just us, Kid"
And winter skies do the same
They offer a sense of smallness,
a sense of wonder, a sense of place within a much larger universe....
and even in the moment (the sense of smallness)
I am thankful that I can still feel worthy
For in Him I am made worthy
He didn't make mistakes
We are stars
Twinkling brightly

sick and tired

i've been the calm
and i've been the storm
and when the clouds clear
i use to come back for more

but i'm sick and tired
of being the strong one
im so tired of being
the one that walks away

i'm sick and tired
of being the tough one
of being the one who carries the weight

your shoulders are strong
and i'm a tiny girl
yet you're leaning on me
asking me to carry your world

A Letter

Dear loved ones,

I want to share a little something with you.

After high school, I went to a technical college for one year. I didn't get a degree from an institution that would allow me to do anything I loved. Back then I didn't know you could do things that you actually wanted to do for a living. I thought work was something you hated doing, but it kept the family running which made it worth it. I saw my dad work hard, I mean real hard. He never said he hated it, but you could tell it wore him out. But because of him we had clothes, food, and shelter. He instilled a work ethic in me which made me an essential part of the work force. It is a good feeling when employers seek you out. It happens a lot to me and Aj, who was given the same ethic for hard work by his family. We greatly appreciate every job offer, especially since we live in times with such high unemployment rates.

Several years ago, Aj and I started painting signs. It allowed us to work together and helped us pay bills in the winter when work was slow. Our friend, Frank, shared his knowledge of hand lettering with us in an effort to help us help ourselves. This is something I wish I could teach everyone, how to learn from everything and everyone around you and how to make those lessons work for you. I still do some sign work, but even that job was getting to me. Aj has seen it stress me out. Sure I was getting to be artistic, but there are only a handful of jobs I was being offered that I genuinely wanted to do. It's hard to feel like an artist when someone hands you their idea of art and asks you to recreate it. AJ is really good at this. He is still currently being awesome at it. I am still working with a couple of my favorite sign clients, but for the first time in my life I can say no to jobs that I don't want to do. If you know me at all, you know how hard of a time I have saying no. (If you know me, but didn't know that please make a mental note.)

Now, I am 35 years young and for the first time in my life I feel like I am doing something I love to create a means of living for myself. Not just a job, but a career. A career is defined as "an occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress". I finally feel like I found my niche in the career world. I have been given the opportunity and tools to use skills that no one usually looks for in me because there's no degree for these things on my resumé. They are talents that I have always used for my personal life, things that I didn't think others noticed. But they were noticed. It is truly an amazing feeling to have someone recognize the quality of something I am doing. Especially when that person does hold those degrees. Now my goal is to remain humble and grateful as I share these talents with others.

With all that being said, many of you know that this places me in the middle of the quickly growing industry of craft beer. I am aware that there has been some concern from friends and family who know that my family has a history of alcoholism. My mother was an alcoholic and used beer as a means of self-medication for quite sometime. I have not decided to leave my sense of strong morals to take this job. I am lucky to feel free from such a problem. I am free to taste and learn what my palate likes. I am free to enjoy a beer with friends who share this freedom. I am also free to lay this freedom down when I am around others who don't have the freedom to stop at one.....or ten.

So, yes, I do love a good creamy stout. In the summer, I do enjoy a cold one on the lake. But my hopes are that my enjoyments are not someone else's stumbling block. I am happy to be surrounded with people who love me and are concerned for me. People who can hold me accountable for my actions. So, with that being said, I will be posting pictures and articles of beer and brewery tours, because that is what I am doing now and I want to share it with you. Please know that fifteen pictures of beer does not mean I had fifteen beers. This letter is not a way of saying "shut up, I don't want to hear it", but quite the opposite. This letter is to say, "I know you love me and I want you to have peace of mind." I appreciate knowing that I am cared about.

I love you all. I am grateful for all I have been given. I can't wait to see what the coming years will bring. The excitement has been overwhelming.

On a side note, during our last beer fest there was a group of religious people standing on the corner yelling at us for being drunks, perverts, and abortionists and telling us we were going to hell. I can't tell you how happy I am that they knew the condition of our hearts (sarcasm). I did confront them on our way out. I told them I was happy to see them standing for their own beliefs, but I kindly asked if they were loving on these people as much as they were yelling at them? Were they offering a means of recovery or just screaming scare tactics? Were they offering hope and peace for these people like Christ did? Were they sending those who did need help to the proper facilities? Were they inviting us to church? These are the questions I asked. Ready for the answer I got? The guy said, "No. We're just quoting scripture." I told this gentleman that a better way to share Christ's love with people was to get down in the mud with them, not to stand on a dry grassy hill and point out their faults. Enjoy the picture that Joe took as I placed my hand on his arm to tell him I loved him.

Holding strong. Caring on. Working hard. Unchanged.

Love you guys.

Halloween #4

it happened
halloween night
four years ago
sometimes it feels like yesterday
other days it feels like a life time

the past is funny like that
distant
disconnected
yet, so present
so intertwined in who we are
where we are

but we aren't supposed to keep looking back
for it is when we have our heads turned
looking over our shoulder
at things we can no longer get back
that we miss the new stuff
the good stuff

the roses blooming
and sun shining along our path
are hard to see
when we are busy staring into
the coldest
darkest
times

i've looked over that shoulder
several times just tonight
but the night's almost over
and tomorrow will be a new day
and a good one at that

all i have to do
is remember to bring my eyes
back to the road
before the shoulder gets the best of me

a little handwritten reminder from my mama

Sometimes. . . . .

. . . . .we confuse inner peace with temporary contentment and are let down later when the happiness fades away

. . . . .we get lost trying to tell others how to find themselves

. . . . .we think we know all the answers, so we stop asking important questions

. . . . .we try to fix others, when we are the broken ones

. . . . .we find solutions for ourselves and start imposing them on people they won't work for

. . . . .we try to be so aware that we miss the big picture

sometimes

Cardiologists and such. . . .

a room full of people waiting to have a doctor listen to their hearts
but from here
i can hear them fine
they scream of worry for their health
or the well being of a loved one
impatience is the rhythm of their silent beats

restless and uneasy waiting

we joke and laugh in this room
and we're looked at with jerky head movements
and glaring eyes
are we not supposed to be joyous?
even in these trying moments?
especially in these trying moments?

we laugh like tony has 60 more years to live
we talk about being honest with our doctors
about our past recreational drug use
we laugh at their shock with our honesty

and the room remains cold and still
with the exception of our four square feet of space
can't we shine for others?

we wait to see the doctor
alone in a smaller room
we are quieter
he reads a fantasy novel
a thick one that he'll finish quickly
with more waiting to be read at home

books to take him out of the here and now
and bring his imagination to vivid fruition

the doctor comes in and breaks our comfortable silence
questions begin and a clean bill of health seems to show its head
but its as clean as it can be in his condition
copd
stage 4 emphysema
we don't really talk about how much longer he may have

the doctor takes another listen
with a bigger degree than the nurse
he listens as tony sucks air in through his nose
and wheezes out powerfully through his mouth

124/80
he says it's good
there's no concern
who pays for someone in a white coat to say,
"you're in good shape"
"you're holding your own"
"we'll see you once a year"

what works?
will anything work?
are we just making him comfortable?
how comfortable is he?

lastly
blood work
needle pricks
to make sure he isn't living on a diet of liver and onions
fish and chips

life is a fragile thing
for my first generation hippie

Oh Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

 

-poem by Walt Whitman

 

 

my best and worst self

Selfies are all the rage. Everyone's doing it, maybe for different reasons. I'm guilty of it. For me a lot of time it's about documenting a moment. I take mine in good and bad times. These quick snap shots remind me later of good times had or things I would like to avoid doing or feeling again.

Here are some of my favorite good day selfies.

Life is a roller coaster. They can't all be great days. Cherish them all the same.

as i age

as i age
let me not be like tea
brewed too long
a soggy tea bag
left in cold water
too acrid to enjoy

let me not be
the source of faces cringing
and puckering
too sour for their liking

let me not be
the source of negativity
i've tried my whole life
not to be

let me not be
bitter with regrets
of things that could have been
or could have been better

let me not
hold grudges
against those who have wronged me
and let me always
seek forgiveness
from those i have wronged

let me not be
hateful
let me not be
angry
let me not be
spiteful

but until the end
let me just be
a joyful me

late night self

late nights bring surprises
and find me in my prime

pointing into night skies
admiring planets and stars
and big ol' jet airliners

tapping into the collective conscience
using the ideas and casting them back out
for other late night minds

late nights bring quiet moments
peace filled time to dance around the house
to no music
with no shoes
and barely any clothes



breathing up the thickness
of hot spring evenings
slowly evolving into summer nights

at night
i am
who i was made to be
and with a sly smile
i think of what the sleepers are missing

plenty of time to sleep
when the ideas run out
and the mind slows down
and the heart has had its fill

bustin' out

when we let the expectations of the world
pile up around us
our thick shells have to keep it all at bay

a hard firewall
keeping out reality
so we don't have to deal
or cope
or try

but, baby!
we were made to try
we can toughen our skin
without thickening our shells

baby, we were made
to fall
to fail
but most importantly
to get up
to try again

break out of that shell, softy!
bust free
from the chains of insecurity
break loose
from the bondage of fear

let the caged bird out
to finally fly

you sang with me. . . .

thanks for checking in on me
after such a long day
when it seemed the world was cold
and no one in it cared

thanks for asking how i was
after such a trying week
when it seemed like everything that could
would

thanks for making eye contact
and saying nothing at all
knowing i needed
the peace and quiet
of that moment

thanks for singing along
when the tunes were loud and happy
when the songs were sad and low
thanks for the harmonies
and melodies of love

you don't think

you think i'm frail
because you saw
my weakness once
when i was a child

you think i can't
hold my own
because you so easily
took advantage
of my innocence

you had your chance
and thought it
made you a man
but with my wide eyes
in the midst of this demise
i saw your weaknesses too
and
you're
no
man.

time to shine

this will be my year
i will be savy
i will come out ahead

don't second guess

doubt will kill this momentum
i can keep up
life will not pass me by

everyday
at the end of the day
i will ask,
"did i do everything i could have done today?"

humble yet confident
that's the line to balance
i can do it

i will play hard
and love harder

pray

 

step one

i've been stuck inside my head for quite awhile
today i broke free
God showed up and bent bars
and allowed me to walk out
a little more aware
and unharmed

so many questions were put into words
even though no answers are formed
talks and negotiations have begun
opinions, lessons, and plans are being made
i've been open
and i invited God in
invited in the ones He put in my life to love
invited in the ones He put in my life to love me

i feel fresh
i feel empowered

let go
accept
step one complete

Drawing Lines

caregiver - a person who cares for someone who is sick or in need of compassion

lover - a person who loves, especially a person who has or shows a warm and affectionate regard for others 

stumbling block - obstacle or hindrance to progress, belief, or understanding

Three words defined. On paper their differences appear obvious, yet in practice they are not. We want to be lovers and caregivers to those around us, but where do we draw the line? When do we become merely stumbling blocks? When do we step away from love and care to realize it is only enabling someone to destroy themselves and us?

Even though I decided long ago to not bear children, I am a mother of sorts. I am a lover and caregiver to those around me even if they seem undeserving. I clean up other's messes and make pancakes for the hungry. Like most mothers, I often let myself go in order to be available to the "kids". I was like this in high school. So was my best friend, Amanda. We were the mother hens. The ones who could say no. The ones who stayed sober long enough to make sure everyone got home safely. We had a group of friends we called "our boys". We loved them and helped keep 'em out of any major trouble. I got this from my own mother. My mother loved everyone. That isn't an exaggeration.  Whether they loved her or not, she loved and wanted the best for them. The hardest thing for her was when she had to acknowledge that, in her relationship with her stepson, she needed to be a parent first and a friend later. Unfortunately, it is easy for parents to want to baby their adult children. Now out on his own, by brother struggles and lives with a sense of entitlement that so many teenagers and young adults have due to parents and a society that bends to their every whim. 

I have been letting people walk all over me. I know they need me and I willing bow down to their every demand. Leaving late night campfires with family or evening dinner with friends to go be a rescue squad. Not just for them, but for me. I felt like I was doing the right thing, making myself available for someone in need. The lines became blurred. So what to do?

Step one was opening up to my husband about time management. I knew I was probably ignoring his needs as much as mine in order to be there for others. He was kind, helpful, and full of grace. He started helping me to set limits. Step two was to reach out to a great friend of mine. Someone who I recognize as a strong leader, someone who speaks with authority. Opening up to him let me know that someone had my back, while i was bent over for others. He will now hold me accountable on both ends, making sure I do the right thing for my friends but also for myself. So this is the process I am now in the middle of. 

My next steps will be hard. Letting these friends know they need to seek outside help, something more than just me. Convincing someone that they have a problem isn't always easy, convincing them to do something about it is even harder. Someone who doesn't want help, whether they know they need it or not, will not get help. 

Relationships are supposed to be two things: comforting and conflicting. Where does one stop and the other begin? How can I be both at the same time? I really am tired of sitting back and watching people get consumed by their on self pity and the consequences of choices they have made. 

I am not a counselor, nor do I claim to be. What I am is a friend, a lover, a caregiver hoping for a more obviously drawn line. 

cold messages

they appeared as letters
on a cold backlit screen
all lower case
minimum punctuation

cold letters
that make the heart wonder
what did i do?
cold letters
that make the mind long
for more information

short hand
an abbreviated society
so much lost
for an unabridged soul

no body language
no winks
no sweat
no tears
just letters
letters forming emotionless words

missed sarcasm
and hurt feelings

could you
please
just come find me

comfortable love

When you're raised by a close knit family, when you a live a lifestyle that most would call "hippie" there's something that happens. The bedroom becomes a living room and the bed becomes the couch. I have always loved closeness. There have been times in my life when "dog piles" of my best friends were the only way to stay warm for the winter. When Aj and I first met, we shared a 480 square feet cabin with about seven other people. Not much room for spreading out, we all slept in one room. You get used to having the ones you love within arms reach. I'm sure we worked with people who couldn't imagine that no funny business was going on up there.

When I lived at home, my parents had something that they called "the white trash pallet". It was a double sized mattress that they would drag into the living room and lay in front of the fire place. My mom and dad often slept there, but in the morning it became the place we all piled up to enjoy the fire and watch a little tv. I should tell you we lived in a 4 bedroom house and yes everyone had their own bed and yes we had central heat and air, but this was just something we did. We enjoyed each others company and didn't always want doors between us.

I knew I had found the right man to marry when I first took Aj to my parent's house. In the living room, other than the pallet, there is a long "L" shaped couch. My mom and dad fell asleep on one end and Aj and I on the other. What a wonderful thing to wake up to, three of the most important people in my life all dreaming at the same time. When mom passed away, for about two weeks we hardly left that living room, all piled up together on that couch or the mattress, as if we just couldn't get close enough.

Now with all the work that has been going on at my house, I can't be upset that it isn't finished yet. It has brought back some of that closeness that I was missing. However, I am finding out that there are some people who just aren't comfortable hanging out on your bed. This is the first time that I've had people like that in my life.

Our society has done something terrible to our hearts and heads. Humanity has become so driven on sexuality and indecency that we can't imagine closeness like this. There are even Christians who can be made totally uncomfortable by something as innocent as a hug. Try it. We can't fathom non-sexual interpersonal relationships. Fathers can't kiss, hold or love on their baby girls for fear it will be misconstrued. Friends can't hug, hold hands or love on each other for fear it will be taken out of context. When did me placing a caring warm hand on someone's back to show them that they aren't alone become something to be whispered about by onlookers? Friendships like this are supposed to inspire beauty and love in a way that directs our minds, hearts and souls attention to spiritual things. We've let our minds become corrupted by crude jesting.

The Greek had four words for love: eros, agape, philia and storge. Only one of these words had to do with sexual desire or physical attraction. Agape is unconditional love, love like Christ has for us. Philia is brotherly love or affectionate love for friends. Storge refers to the love between parents, offspring, family. So why do our brains always think on vulgar eros?

Well, I am taking back platonic love. I will not avoid telling me friends I love them, because I do. I celebrate them. I want them to be happy and healthy. I want them to know what love is. I want to love like Christ loves. Gracious love. Not side-arm hugs and "you are in my thoughts" type sentiments, but bear hugs and holding hands in times of weakness. I want to pile up with like-minded thinkers and share ideas. I want to hang out on the pallet and enjoy fellowship. I want the couch to not have a limited number of seats.

So come over. Let's sit on the bed and talk. Let's sit on the bed and watch movies and eat popcorn. Our bedroom has become our living room. It is a place of comfort. It is a place of relaxation. Come be a hippie!

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13