Drawing Lines

caregiver - a person who cares for someone who is sick or in need of compassion

lover - a person who loves, especially a person who has or shows a warm and affectionate regard for others 

stumbling block - obstacle or hindrance to progress, belief, or understanding

Three words defined. On paper their differences appear obvious, yet in practice they are not. We want to be lovers and caregivers to those around us, but where do we draw the line? When do we become merely stumbling blocks? When do we step away from love and care to realize it is only enabling someone to destroy themselves and us?

Even though I decided long ago to not bear children, I am a mother of sorts. I am a lover and caregiver to those around me even if they seem undeserving. I clean up other's messes and make pancakes for the hungry. Like most mothers, I often let myself go in order to be available to the "kids". I was like this in high school. So was my best friend, Amanda. We were the mother hens. The ones who could say no. The ones who stayed sober long enough to make sure everyone got home safely. We had a group of friends we called "our boys". We loved them and helped keep 'em out of any major trouble. I got this from my own mother. My mother loved everyone. That isn't an exaggeration.  Whether they loved her or not, she loved and wanted the best for them. The hardest thing for her was when she had to acknowledge that, in her relationship with her stepson, she needed to be a parent first and a friend later. Unfortunately, it is easy for parents to want to baby their adult children. Now out on his own, by brother struggles and lives with a sense of entitlement that so many teenagers and young adults have due to parents and a society that bends to their every whim. 

I have been letting people walk all over me. I know they need me and I willing bow down to their every demand. Leaving late night campfires with family or evening dinner with friends to go be a rescue squad. Not just for them, but for me. I felt like I was doing the right thing, making myself available for someone in need. The lines became blurred. So what to do?

Step one was opening up to my husband about time management. I knew I was probably ignoring his needs as much as mine in order to be there for others. He was kind, helpful, and full of grace. He started helping me to set limits. Step two was to reach out to a great friend of mine. Someone who I recognize as a strong leader, someone who speaks with authority. Opening up to him let me know that someone had my back, while i was bent over for others. He will now hold me accountable on both ends, making sure I do the right thing for my friends but also for myself. So this is the process I am now in the middle of. 

My next steps will be hard. Letting these friends know they need to seek outside help, something more than just me. Convincing someone that they have a problem isn't always easy, convincing them to do something about it is even harder. Someone who doesn't want help, whether they know they need it or not, will not get help. 

Relationships are supposed to be two things: comforting and conflicting. Where does one stop and the other begin? How can I be both at the same time? I really am tired of sitting back and watching people get consumed by their on self pity and the consequences of choices they have made. 

I am not a counselor, nor do I claim to be. What I am is a friend, a lover, a caregiver hoping for a more obviously drawn line.